Struggling to Stay Positive

Struggling to Stay Positive--

A positive person lives at this address.  That would be me.  I have the ability to see good in most situations in life.  Not the horrid ones, of course.  But the everyday ones.  However, this positive, sunny person is sinking fast into a slight depression.

Getting out of bed has become a major accomplishment.  Throwing back the warm covers and standing upright in a house that is a little too cold is not my idea of a good way to start any day. Staying warm and snug under mounds of warmth is so much more appealing.

Changing from pajamas into regular clothes has become a challenge, too.  What is the point?  The pj's are comfortable.  They cover me.  Besides, I am not going anywhere so what difference does it make what I wear for a 24 hour period?

I am a "let's go" girl.  Well, this let's go girl has not gone anywhere in way too long.  There are reasons for that.  We will talk about those in just a bit.

Make-up?  Are you serious?  Why?

My stress levels are at an all time high.  ( Not really.  It just sounds good!)  Where did it all go so wrong?  Where can I find the sunny outlook again?

I will tell you where it went so wrong.  It started snowing, snowing, snowing, snowing.  At first it was beautiful.  Falling softly and quietly.  Blanketing the earth, the house, all cars and trees, any living thing that happened to have no shelter, the roads.  As it continued to fall, I saw less and less beauty.  I began to see entrapment.  Yes, the knowledge that I was going to be trapped inside this house brought me to my knees.  NO!  This cannot be happening.  Again and again and again.

Add to that the temperatures that will freeze ears right off the head if one stays out past a minute, and there is the perfect picture of stage one depression.  I have winter clothes.  However, to stay warm and safe outdoors would require me to wear all of them at once.  If I decide to do this, I hope someone finds me in the spring.   I can hear people remarking about the lovely sculpture in our yard.  That would be me.

Did I mention the wind?  Ah yes, the wind.  Everyone's best friend.  Could it whip around any harder and faster than it has this winter?  It is invisible.  I hate that.  I wish I could see what it looks like. Does it have a smurk on its face as it blows  anything not nailed down into the next state?  It sneaks up on us and ruins our hair.  It blows that white stuff around and causes white-outs.  It pushes against us as we try to navigate.  It causes the temperature to drop to numbers I won't say.

Taking baby steps was somthing I thought I had left far, far behind me.  You know how small children put their feet down very carefully.  They test the surface before they commit.  Well, I look like an infant as I try to move from point A to point B.  Be careful where that foot lands.  The surface maybe slippery.  In fact, it is slippery.  With head down I move forward inch by inch.   And all the time I am slowly moving forward, I am hoping to remain upright.  Yes, depression is lurking just under my skin.

Maybe I am being a little too harsh.  Maybe something good is happening in spite of this unbearable cold.  I have thought long and hard about this.  I have looked at it from every angle.  No, can't think of a thing.

I am spending much time with my room-mate. Too much time!  Now, while I love him, too much is simply too much.  He is everywhere.  I bump into him walking through the house.  At night when I grab a blanket and socks and settle in to watch mindless tv,  he comes and snuggles.  Really?  Yes, I know that is a good thing.  And I am grateful.  But, the need for space-my space-is growing stronger and stronger.  I think someone said a little distance is a good thing.  How about 2,000 miles?

Did they plow the roads?  Of course they plowed the main ones.  However, we live on a country road.  It has been snow and ice packed for--I don't remember when it wasn't.  A tunnel of snow greets me everytime I drive out or into the lane to my house.  Cars in the ditches remind me to drive very carefully and slowly.  One winter I slid past my own driveway three times before finally making the turn.  I called my husband and told him to watch for me and come get me when I landed in a ditch.  I did see him at the top of our driveway, but I slid right past.

Well, writing this all down has given me a lift.  I can almost feel a smile crossing my face.  The sun is shinning today.  The snow is glistening.  Maybe it is time to get dressed, put a little make-up on and hit the road--carefully.  Maybe it isn't all bad.  Ok.  I am not ready to go that far.  I am quite fed up with all the cold.  But, it is what it is.  There is much to be thankful for in this life of mine.  I have a warm house, plenty of food, a companion.  I can read, write, think, clean, rearrange the house, make lists of places to go when I am no longer trapped.  Yes, there are things I could be doing.

Won't it be wonderful when winter is gone?  We will all talk about this winter for years to come.  We will compare it to other challenging times in our lives-weatherwise.  It has given us memories, and sore backs from shoveling, and frightening moments on highways, and no milk left at the grocery store.  Yes, memories.

It can't last forever.  That is what I am hanging onto.  It can't, can it?